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Being stuck on your ex-partner isn’t a sign of weakness. Going through an on-again, off-again relationship with an ex is sometimes something you simply can’t shake off. Beautiful, smart men and women with priceless worth will sometimes linger around the idea of what once was with a previous partner, leaving them unable to move on.
After a breakup, some people throw themselves into work, sports and even new relationships in an effort to distract themselves from the heartache. Others attempt to numb the pain with substance abuse. There are also individuals who seek emotional support from their family and friends. And, finally, some just remain stuck on the possibilities of what could have been and desperately try to get it back. But why does this happen?
One of the main reasons why you might not be able to remove yourself from the emotional attachment to your ex is fear. This doesn’t only apply to relationships but to so many areas of our lives. When fear takes over, we enter a state of analysis paralysis. We overthink our every decision, our every move, and we fear the future and what it might bring as a result of our choices.
Fear That You Lost “the One”
It’s common to worry that the partner you broke up with was “the one” and the end-all, be-all. If you believed this during the relationship, it also most likely put an extreme amount of pressure on your partner, whether you were vocal about it or not. This thought can be dangerous as it makes you blind to the red flags, and makes you fight more for the relationship than you probably should, especially if it’s unhealthy.
Fear of Being Unwanted
After a breakup, you might feel like it occurred because of something you did, or worse, because of the person that you were. It can make you feel like if your previous partner didn’t want to be in a relationship with you, no one ever will. Trust that this couldn’t be further from the truth! Counselling in Vancouver can help you overcome these distorted perceptions of reality and build your confidence back up.
Fear of Starting Over
Having to go through the motions of once again dating, finding someone new and getting to know them and their family can most certainly be overwhelming. It also establishes the previous relationship as officially over (for real). This can be scary. Being on your own, finding yourself and creating a new life all over again can induce fear and uncertainty.
There are another set of reasons why you might be afraid of moving on.
You’re Only Focusing On the Positive
Focusing on the positive aspects of a relationship is similar to the effects of addiction, and is directly correlated to the pleasure and reward centres of the brain. Keep in mind that they are ex for a reason.
You Think You Won’t Find Better
Idealizing your ex-partner can make it incredibly difficult to move on. We can be so good at lying to ourselves. You might convince yourself that no one will ever be able to match up to them, that they were your “soulmate” or “the one” like previously mentioned. Don’t put that sort of pressure on your ex, yourself, or your future partners.
You’re Self-Destructing
Whether from childhood trauma, personal belief systems or emotionally immature parents, being stuck on your ex might just be a way to self-destruct and make yourself suffer. Suffering in romantic relationships, or otherwise, might be something you’re so well-acquainted with that being happy could be a completely foreign concept. It shouldn’t feel good to feel bad. This can be one of the most important aspects you have to overcome during counselling in Vancouver sessions.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
If you’re still following your ex on social media or maintain contact with them, this will make it increasingly more difficult to move on. The concept of out of sight, out of mind is very true and very valid. Following them online and constantly seeing what they’re doing, how they’re doing or who they’re dating will put you in a constant state of distress. It will prevent you from moving on and act as a daily reminder of what you lost, even if it was a toxic relationship.
You Didn’t Get Closure
When you’re still trying to make sense of what happened because you don’t understand why you broke up, it can prevent you from moving on. You’ll start overanalyzing, ruminating, puzzling pieces of the past together and trying to create your own closure. If you can’t figure out why and can’t get closure from your partner, that’s okay. Put the analysis to rest and learn what you can from the experience.
You Lost Your identity
Many people lose themselves in their relationships to the point where they experience a loss of identity. If you merged with your partner and their interests became your own, or you weren’t allowed or accepted the way you were in the relationship, you need to restore your sense of self. You may not know who you are anymore, but it all starts with slowly rediscovering yourself, taking it step-by-step, and relying on the strong, emotional support network you have around you.
You Haven’t Grieved
When people experience a loss, they tend to want to avoid the pain and push those heavy, negative feelings away. Ultimately, this doesn’t serve you for the better. It prolongs the healing process. After a breakup, let yourself feel everything and take time to process and confront all of your post-breakup emotions.
The most important part of moving on from feeling stuck on your ex is accepting the situation, cutting yourself some slack and rediscovering who you are now after the relationship has ended. If you don’t feel like you have a strong support network around you, getting counselling in Vancouver by speaking to a professional can make a world of a difference in giving you much-needed closure. It can allow you to gain some fresh perspective, rebuild yourself with empowerment and finally, move on.
If you would like to speak to me, learn more about how I work and the counselling in Vancouver services I offer, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. I would love to chat.
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