Healing the Wounded Self with Shadow Work – Life Transition Counsellor

Direct light casts our shadow in front of us or behind us. Sometimes it’s always there in plain sight and other times, we’re completely unaware of its presence.

The “shadow self” is the part of us that has been pushed into the unconscious. It carries our deepest fears, past traumas, insecurities and traits we’re ashamed of. We deeply suppress these parts of ourselves that we fear would not be loved by others. Out of fear that they won’t be welcomed or accepted, we bury them in the “shadows.” These are versions of ourselves that we don’t show society. We might not even let them surface to show them to ourselves, either because the shadow stands for everything we can’t stand to see in ourselves or because we’re not brave to work through these darker sides.

Shadow work, with the guidance of a life transition counsellor or on your own, is about letting go of judgement, shame and insecurity for a more fulfilling, authentic and awakened life. When we explore our shadow selves, we go through a challenging and introspective process which then leads us into a state of authenticity. We can finally be our truest selves.

What is the Shadow?

In real life as well as TV shows, movies and cartoons, the shadow is associated with fear. In shadow work, it’s very much the same. It represents the dark side of our personality – the side that consists of the primitive and negative emotions we all have as human beings. These are emotions like envy, greed, selfishness, anger, revenge and the use of power in a destructive way. We push down these unacceptable but very real parts of ourselves unknowingly, but sometimes knowingly. We might perceive them as horrible or even evil, but facing them is all a part of the process. You can do this on your own or with the help of a life transition counsellor.

The shadow self represents the parts we are so ashamed of that we no longer claim as our own. As much as we can try to disown them, they don’t actually go anywhere. They get cast aside but they are still very much real parts of us. This denial is similar to swimming against a current – you only get more tired. When you stop fighting the current, everything gets easier.

How the Shadow Self is Born

Most children are born with the capacity to feel and express positive emotions like love and kindness, but they also express anger, greed, selfishness and other natural human impulses. Similar to how adulthood often takes away our creativity and sense of adventure, the lens through which emotions and impulses are viewed are imprinted on us early on. Some aspects get associated with as good and others as bad, toxic or evil.

For example, when children throw tantrums or express frustration, they are, more often than not, punished for it. Their parent or guardian will give them a negative signal that what they are feeling and doing is bad. Whether the child was throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get what they want, or it was the only way they knew how to express their need for love, these negative cues slowly conditioned them. Perhaps the child became playful, silly or jumped in a muddy puddle to explore what it felt like, but even the most basic expressions got shut down.

Whenever this happens, it threatens a child’s most basic need to feel safe in who they truly are. Over time, children grow into adults who are insecure, fearful, unaccepting and judgemental, pushing down the parts of themselves that got shamed while growing up.

This creates a world full of people who learned to adapt their behaviour to the needs and expectations of society.

What are the Different Methods of Shadow Work?

How does a life transition counsellor do shadow work? Although it might be best to do shadow work with the help of a healer or therapist, you can also do it on your own.

• Ask why: Asking yourself “why” is one of the most powerful ways to go about this. Why does this person’s behaviour trigger such a negative or painful reaction? Why am I so upset over this situation? This helps you unpack the answers that are buried deep within you, layer by layer.
• Journal: When you journal, you are laying out your thoughts on paper. This helps create space in your mind, makes you more aware of your feelings, thoughts and emotions and gives the opportunity for self-reflection both now and in the future.
• Meditate: Meditation is a way to find stillness and learn how to observe your thoughts and let them pass through you like a stream of water. It aligns your mind, body and spirit and helps you become more in tune with your true self.
• Do what works for you: Whether it’s a simple walk in the park, reiki, therapy sessions, EFT or one of the many other techniques you can use to self heal, do what feels right for you.
• Observe without judgement: Learn to accept yourself, your thoughts, your emotions and your behaviours without judgement. This will allow you to view yourself through an objective lens.
• Go back to your childhood: Go back to the beginning. Were you fully accepted as a child? How did you feel the majority of the time? Were your expressions of self always accepted, or often ridiculed and put down?

The Benefits of Doing Shadow Work

The more emotions we repress and push into our unconscious, the greater power they have over us. Exploring and working on our shadows is an opportunity for immense personal growth.

• Relationships: when you accept your shadow, you can accept the shadow in others.
• Clarity: as you approach authenticity, you’ll view the world with a clearer perception.
• Health: by accepting your darker sides, your mental and physical health will improve.
• Intuition: the more in tune you become with your true self, the more you can trust your intuition.
• Empowerment: You’ll feel empowered and confident once you’ve addressed the emotional baggage weighing you down.

Regardless of the reason you have for embarking on this journey, know that it will be one of healing. During my work as a life transition counsellor, much of my processes cover working with the darker aspects of people. If you need help moving into this new phase of your life, let me walk with you on your journey. To schedule an appointment or learn more about how I work, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me.

Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash